Saturday, December 27, 2008

I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be better than this

I'm pretty sure I'm doing it wrong. I'll be the first to admit that I don't have enough experience.

That's right, I'm talking about dating.

If you don't happen to know my history, I'll give you a short overview. I started dating the man that I eventually married when I was 15. That means that 100% of my relationship experience was created with one person. It's an idea that was romantic while it lasted, but when it was over I was left jaded, confused and naive. So much so, that when a gentleman tried to kiss me at the end of a date last night, I actually had an internal struggle.

So much of my life (almost exactly half) was spent being faithful to one person, that I find it difficult to let my guard down and enjoy the dating experience. Last night, I realized that this apparition of loyalty has been manifesting itself in many ways since the very first day that I became single again. Most notably, the creation of rules. Some of these rules are logical, common sense.

* No married men (or guys with girlfriends)

Other rules are highlighting themselves as unreasonable attempts at keeping me from getting attached to anyone.

* No dating coworkers or people in the department
* No second dates

As a result, I've had a string of dates with people that I have no attachment to and no desire to form one with. After my epiphany, I can see how I was constructing that situation for myself. I was stuck inside my head. I was over-thinking everything, completely unable to navigate by heart or libido. By breaking just one little rule, things got intense enough for me to step back and actually see the walls I've been building.

I'm tired of being lead around by my brain. If I keep this up, I'll end up a frigid, lonely, old spinster. I don't want that. I want to be happy. I want to enjoy my life. As far as relationships are concerned, I just want to spend time with someone that I enjoy being around and someone who enjoys being around me, too. It's increasingly obvious that I'm going to have to break a few rules to get there. The problem is convincing myself that I'm ready.

Unfortunately, I don't think this is something I'm going to be able to research and create a plan for. It looks like I'm going to have to jump in head first. I can only hope that if I get cold feet there's someone out there willing to give me a little push.

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