Monday, August 25, 2008

Absolute Absurdity

Have you ever woken up wondering which side of crazy you were on? As a child, I was convinced that I had crossed that line, and I was proud of it. During college, I wanted to walk that line, ever so carefully, making sure not to move my toes too far to either side, which was tough because my feet are huge.

No, seriously, have you ever seen my feet?

Now I find, as I begin to embrace my adulthood, I am increasingly more willing to live in the realm of normal, boring, and even mundane. This need for normalcy was provoked with the birth of my first child. I wanted to provide the same type of family structure that I was sure my friends had while I was growing up.

So that's a lie, I never really had any friends.

My friendships all started out well enough, but I always seemed to ruin them within two years. Somehow, I believed that a person could only have one true friend at a time. Through my school years, I had come to expect monogamy on the playground. For some reason larger groups of people always made me feel less, not more, secure.

Besides, my parents couldn't afford to pay all of them to hang out with me.

Friends were hard to maintain because I expect so much from people. I have always been unyielding in my criticism of myself and those around me. I got that from my father. No success was ever good enough, it was always just another stepping stone to climb out of the comfort zone. I was taught that it's wrong to be comfortable, you have to continue growing and growing causes pain. Pain is good, it is inspirational. Pain is a good motivator.

And I'm generally motivated to eat gallons of ice cream and huddle under a blanket.

All of this motivation has lead to a weight problem that is starting to become a big deal. I was already fighting off extra weight from having two children in two years. Now, I'm battling stress weight and insomnia. Lack of sleep is nothing new to me. I've never been able to fall asleep very easily. My mind travels all over the place, picking up stray ideas as it tumbles around. These ideas hijack my head and steer me far away from slumber. Once I do fall asleep, I tend to dream that I'm working.

My ex-husband used to dream that I was working too, it's something he thought he would never see.

Now, I'm essentially a single mom, which means every moment of my life is work. The best thing about my current situation is that love surrounds me every moment. I'm happy in everything I do, because I've made my choices very carefully. I'm a lucky woman. I won't pretend I'm not. I just wish that luck would carry over to the Powerball jackpot.

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